Picture this: the first day of school is about to start and you're still in the schoolyard with your kid all teary eyed and clinging to your leg like he or she is never gong to let go - what in the world are you going to do?
It's called Separation Anxiety, and although such a phenomenon would not be something new for parents, a first-time public scene such as the foregoing can be a mortifying dilemma for some. The good news for parents of children going to kindergarten for the first time is that it's all very normal and episodes can be prevented or mitigated with enough knowledge and preparation. But first, we have to understand what separation anxiety is, how it develops, what causes it, and what your child is going through during such periods of distress.
Object Permanence
Around the age of four to seven months, infants learn "object permanence," that things, including you, the parent, still exist even when out of sight. An indication that the infant has learned object permanence is the "dropping game" and that's when the infant drops an object from his or her high chair, waits for an adult to pick it up for him or her, only to drop it over and over again. Whether you're out of sight just in the next room or in the office, your baby now understands that you will at some point reappear and because of this knowledge, the infant begins to develop a true attachment with the parents and other adults around him or her.
Shortly after, between the age of eight months and a year, although generally on the way to becoming more independent, toddlers also become more uncertain and, hence anxious whenever separated from the primary care-giving parent. This is whenever separated from the primary care-giving parent. This is the life stage when separation anxiety, along with stranger anxiety (crying whenever a stranger or unknown adult approaches), the primary care-giving parent tries to leave. When you leave for work and try to leave your child with a nanny, or even just try to leave the room for a few seconds, a child experiencing separation anxiety would cry, cling to you, throw a tantrum and resist the attention of others. Bedtime may also be a bit of problem for some at this stage, with many a parent having to stay at their baby's or toddler's side until the latter falls asleep.
Stress to Distress
The appearance of separation anxiety varies significantly from child to child. Few never experience it while some start showing it as late as when they are already 2 years old. It can also show up to early school age. Episodes are often triggered by highly tense situations, such as meeting a new person for the first time, birth of a new sibling, moving to a new house, tense situation at home or in our case being, going to school for the first time, Such events may seem comparatively insignificant to an adult, but from a child's perspective, they may be as life-changing, full of uncertainties and stressful as losing a job or getting married or separated would be to an adult.
Normally, separation anxiety should be overcome by the child after early school age. If it reoccurs beyond early elementary school, chances are the anxiety stems primarily from causes other than separation, such as bullying in school. But there are extreme cases wherein separation anxiety extends way beyond childhood and is considered a psychological disorder. It has been estimated that approximately four to five percent of children and adolescents in the United States suffer from Separation Anxiety Disorder (SAD), a mildly debilitating mental health issue wherein sufferers worry way out of proportion over the prospect of temporarily leaving home or otherwise separating from loved ones.
Sad Symptoms
Separation anxiety becomes abnormal when at least three of the following symptoms are present and persist for at least a month and, in fact, significantly affect the child's school, social or other areas of life:
*Repeated anxiety over losing loved ones or excessive worry that something bad might happen to them
*Elevated concern about getting lost
*Repeated hesitancy or refusal to go to school or day care or to be alone or without the company of a loved one or other adults important to the anxious child
*Persistent hesitancy or refusal to go to sleep without being physically close to the parents
*Repeated nightmares about being away from parents or people close to the child
*Physical complaints that keeps coming back or panic attacks, such as stomach and head aches, when separation occurs.
It should be stressed, however, that separation anxiety is a normal phase of child development that everyone goes through and that, on the other hand, separation anxiety disorder can only be diagnosed by a child psychiatrist or a child psychologist who has held the benefit of interviewing both the child and his or her parents.
Coping with the Anxiety
Lt's go back to our schoolyard dilemma and the normal kind of separation anxiety that most kids go through. For many parents, it shouldn't be a problem but merely a matter of being firm and giving the child loving reassurance that everything will be alright. But for others who might need a coping tip or two, here are a few suggestions from experts:
*Avoid transferring your child's care to a nanny, caregiver or day care center when the child is between the ages of eight months and one year old, which is when separation anxiety is first likely to appear.
*Try to schedule your departures for after-mealtimes and naps and avoid leaving at times when the child is likely to be hungry, tired or restless/
*Make one or two trips with your child to the school or center before school or day care starts to familiarize him or her with the surroundings, and meet with the teacher or caregiver, if possible.
*When planning to leave your child with a babysitter or relative, make them come early so they can spend some time with your child with you still in the room. You can also practice leaving your child with a caregiver for short periods of time at first to make him or her get used to being away from you.
*Make it a ritual to express a sincere but firm goodbye. Stay calm and show confidence in your child. Remember that it would really not help matters if you are anxious yourself. Reassure your child that you'll be back at a time using methods that he or she will easily understand (such as after lunch). Give him or her full attention when you're leaving, mean it. Going back will only make things worse and you'll find yourself back where you stared.
*Be sure to be back on time, if not earlier than what you had promised your child. This is important for your child to develop the confidence that all things will be alright during your time apart and that time of being apart from you is only temporary.
The above stated measures, it is believed, will make the difficult transition for both the first-time school child and his or her parents considerably easier and of lesser duration to bear.
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